I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
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