dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
