can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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