Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
