I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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