he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
