Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
