New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
