i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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