made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
