Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
