I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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