Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
