i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
