in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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