She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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