im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
