Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
