so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
