woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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