just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
