Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
