wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
