I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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