omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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