Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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