Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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