I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
