I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
