This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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