You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
