i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
