i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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