so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
