Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
