Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
