then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
