Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
from now on my penis is your penis
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
