strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
