Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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