youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Sext me about skeletons
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
