Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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