I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
