How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
