I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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