gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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