seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
