well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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