I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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