I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
