Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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