I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
