I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
