saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
