I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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