if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
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