On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
