I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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